Comment 2 of 63, added on April 14th, 2005 at 9:08 AM.
First let me thank you for this post. I too can relate as I believe most
of us can in some sort of way. I have suffered suicidal tendencies from
the age of twelve. For me, it was all due to an eye opening experience
with death, my first real experience and understanding of what death really
is. Watching another person die with your own eyes, a person you love
dearly is simply something that can never be forgot. In the process of
experiencing the event I can only assume it is natural to become
infactuated with the thought of death. So I did! Soon after, still at the
age of twelve I began experimenting and quickly found myself too struggling
through addiction. The addictions did nothing other than intensify my
desire to experience death and leave the pain of life behind. Needless to
say I aged past those years and overcame most of the addictions. However,
I quickly realized that the adult life and mind with thoughts of suicide
are much greater; serious and harder to comprehend than that of a child or
teenager. Now as an adult 27, I am full aware of the mental state I have
sustained myself to. I have sadly come to terms that my mential dementia
is nothing other than weakness within myself. Life nor the world around me
corrupted my mind, heart and soul. My mind, my thoughts, my pain is all to
blame. I did this to myself and I must suffer the consequences. That is
what has become so hard to understand. How could I allow myself to become
so mentaly weak that I can no longer control nor sustain my own mind! I
have become the greates enemy I will ever face just as we all must face our
inner selves. I fear the day my inner self comes forth for I know I shall
not attempt a battle. The battle has already been fought, you cannot beat
yourself at your own mental game! To this day I still ask God to forgive
life of the burden I have placed on it. So just as you two I also wish
this curse or blessing, which ever you believe upon myself. Though I too
truly do not want to die....however, the inevitable is going to happen. My
doctors have discovered an illness in me which is shortening my life span.
They have given me to sometime around fourty years old to live. This means
I am over half way through life as of now. This has to be the sickest
awakening I have ever experienced. For all those years I prayed and begged
for my day of death without a fear.....now I find myself terrified, scared
as if a child again facing the unknown of my own fate. When I wanted to
die I seemed to be at my strongest. Now that I am dying......I am by far
at my weakest and the scaredest I've ever been. I say this once again,
this is something I have done to myself. I wanted death so badly......I
destroyed my innerself (literally) to the point of no return. It's
important for everyone to understand what kind of damage the mind can do to
the body if you allow it. I allowed my mind to destroy my body from the
inside out. Sure, I could blame drugs and addictions in the past but deep
inside I know that my mind wanted death so badly it began raping my body of
the life it wanted to live. My body is now beyond return to a healthy
state. My mind........has strangly become healthy now that it has
destroyed my body. I now want life over death in my mind but my mind has
left my body no choice of life.
Thank you for allowing me to speak my mind. I hope someone out there
understands what I have said in response to the poem. Sometimes you go too
deep and there's no turning back!
from United States
Comment 1 of 63, added on January 9th, 2005 at 1:49 AM.
Interesting poem. Undecidedly or possibly unwilling to critique; thus I
will not. However, I will say, thoughts of suicide have plagued me for
many years. My belief is that suicide occurs when the physical/emotional
self can no longer withstand the hopeless, worthless, traumatic and
torturous feelings or thoughts unwittingly bestowed upon the victim.
Simplistically, the "cons" out weigh the "pros." I've been at that place
many, many times. Not only major depression, I've battled major addiction,
namely alcoholism. Drinking to alleviate the depression. It never works;
just worsens it. I envy those who have never dealt with suicidal ideology;
it's simply unfair that some must endure this hell on earth. As mentioned
in the above poem, I too, have begged God to kill me or allow my death.
Matter of fact, last week I did just that. The irony is that I really do
not want to die, yet I cannot continue living within the confines of this
blackness and hurt. I've known several people who have committed suicide.
The latest was just 4 months ago; he was bi-polar. A 25 year old, recently
married, apparently successful....on the exterior. And, oddly enough, I had
an Uncle commit suicide a year and a half ago. His last name was Sexton.
He also had a history or addiction. Did not know him well, but did
understand his pain.
Thank you for allowing my comments.
B. L. Beasley
from United States